What do I want?

What do I want?

Many people who succeeded in their own life and got satisfaction of life say that you should have your specific aim to achieve. Otherwise your way to go is ambiguous, and it's more difficult to reach what you are seeking.

I know what they want to say. Actually everybody knows that fact.
I can't really find what I want to do in the future.
Even though I'm seeking my specific future-image seriously, I can't find exactly what I want to be in the future. I couldn't get any clear image in my mind.
Surely there are some possibilities in my head but I can't pick up one of them because I don't know what I want to do in my entire life.
If I could immediately know what I want to be in order to get free from any suffering I possess in my mind, I would put all efforts I have forward to having my dream come true.

Many people say, you should make sure what you want to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, and your whole life. Nobody tells me how to discover what I want to be.
I've been seeking for the thing I can say with my great confidence that is my destination since last year. I thought about some possibilities I could want somehow.
However, I couldn't find exactly what I want in my life to feel satisfied with everything I do.

Time doesn't wait for me.
If... If I could get out of the Japanese society, I wouldn't feel any unnecessary pressure because people in the USA don't care when I start my job hunting even when I have some vacation after my graduation from my university. They just want to see what I can do for their companies.
In other words, if I don't have any useful abilities for them, they won't hire me. However, I don't have to say my age, even gender, and a specific date when I've done each career.
Now time is coming to go back to Japan. I'm wondering whether I'll feel pressure again when I go back to my home.

People say if I face to myself and ask myself what I want to be, I'll see what I need to get my ideal future. I've been trying to face to myself honestly with a lot of efforts.
I did start new things which were hard to do for people living outside because I wanted to find what I want to be by looking at various communities:different ages, nationalities and careers. I can say with my confidence, I consumed a lot of time to figure our what I want to be because I don't want to spend a time not knowing my destination to achieve.

How can I have my mind clear?
I know I need my clear destination to go at least in my coming future.
Now I feel like I don't want to do anything. I want to just lie down in the Central Park.
However, it is not true. I must have my dream but I can't see it.

Nowadays I listen to two songs which I liked and listened to in many times. The reason that I make a time to listen to the same songs intentionally is because I want to remember how I was and what I thought of when I was a junior high school student because especially at that time I had my strong will to achieve and bright image in the future though actually I did strive to get my success. I was confident for what I did at that moment. So I want to call myself again .


Still there I have to work on many things immediately. Those are just school work.
A women said to me, " Misaki, you improved and learned more important things in your life than academic grades. Those are not powerful in your life. Don't persist in just academic evaluation. Be free from such a small world. You need to see much wider vied surrounding you."

What do I want?
I'm continuously seeing only one thing, my destination to go.

Run for kids

Change for kids - Paint the walls in the elementary school

Let it go

Let it go.
Be aware of it.

This is all I've leaned in the meditation workshop.

Feel whatever negative or positive feelings and acknowledge them without judging, and let them go.
I was walking on the way to school, saying "Let it go" in my mind.
The most hard thing is being aware of what I am feeling without judging.
What I'm confused is that if I don't judge any feelings, I can't know even negative or positive minds
If I precisely follow the idea, I may not distinguish even good and bad things.
However, it is almost impossible because usually we judge things in the dualistic way.
Yes or no.
Good or bad.

When I want to let thins go, actually the things must be negative.
The reason is because I don't have to let things go when they works positively.

Acknowledge everything rather than let them go.